Selfish Mind & Relationships

8496251530_fd8202fd31_kFor those who wonder what makes people behave so differently at different times or simply  differently from each other, here I present the crux of my own study on this variation.

Human mind has kept me wondering with its abilities to work restlessly for the sole benefit of the individual it belongs to, irrespective of its body state, sleeping or awake. While It helps us in a lot of ways when it comes to internal body affairs like body growth or defense against illness or injuries on sudden impacts etc, but on the other hand it sometimes put us into trouble in external/social world because of its biased calculations, judgments and its trend of conveniently remembering or forgetting incidents or facts that work solely for individual’s benefits or boasting individual’s pride.  It would remember who owes money, who disappointed, disheartened, disrespected, humiliated, but won’t remember or even realize when it did the same to others. How tasks, favors, contributions from others will convincingly look smaller (many times even forgotten) compared to that of our own, how abilities of others will stand short in front of our own abilities, how benefits reaped by others convincingly look more than ours are some typical examples and also the root cause of several problems associated with social relations.

Interestingly, there is a control on this and that control is driven by individual’s intellect or say, abilities of individual’s mind to put itself into others shoe, combined with the desire for the righteousness. And because, these two vary in every individual therefore the level of control on mind’s default behavior varies individual to individual and that results into uncountable variation in personalities in terms of intellectual maturity. Broadly it can be divided into three categories. First are those whose mind is not even able to put themselves into others shoe almost every time.  This mind must be told or informed about impacts of its actions through outside source so it can choose to proceed or retreat or look for an alternative. Such minds are totally driven by default/selfish behavior as described above. Typically most kids and big percent of youth and significant percent of grown-ups fall into this category. We can’t really expect much out of this kind of mind and should only deal with it per our interest (for example we got to deal with our loved ones). Second is the one who can understand everything but lacks righteousness. Such a mind could be very dangerous to others as it always knows how exactly it is making others feel, believe or do things, and still exploits the situation from moderate to extreme levels including totally trashing others. Such a minds feel proud of its gains and want to totally justify its acts as “step to success” in order to overcome the guilt that may come after the act. This is commonly seen in people in the age group of 22-40 particularly those who are over aggressive in their professional growth but exceptions are always there though. The third kind of mind is the one that understand everything but believes in righteousness and therefore corrects its actions as soon as it realizes that its actions is causing pain, trouble, hurdle of any kind to anyone. This is very less seen behavior.

Normally, as mind grows, it moves from first category to 2nd and to 3rd, but not necessarily reaching perfect 3rd rather stays somewhere in between 2nd and 3rd. But I believe perfect 3rd also exist in large number.

In nutshell, all 3 categories exist at the same time in one mind at all ages but only one of them is dominant at any given stage of life and migration to other category as the time passes is not guaranteed.

Now, how does this information help in relationships? All relations are tied together with a set of expectations, and expectations when not met shake the relationships and force it to reshape or even break somtimes. If we are able to categorize (in broader terms and not absolute) the “mind” we are dealing with, we can set our expectations accordingly and keep the relationship healthier.


Constructive criticism is welcome. Feel free to share your spontaneous reaction.

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  • VPS server says:

    So, apart from avoiding the torture of a selfish lover, if you find yourself in a relationship with one, what can you do so that your entire being is not lost in trying to resuscitate his or her internal deadness?

    • manoj says:

      Talk to the soul of the person in your mind with all the love and affection you have for him/her before going to sleep and convey the message that you are aware of the selfishness and it is not good for anyone.

  • Sunil says:

    Very insightful. The presence of all three minds at the same time drives home the point that we are many-in-one. I wonder what prevails in the end.

    I enjoyed reading it, original Manoj .

  • Sameer Tikoo says:

    Good one Manoj..You may want to read “I’m ok you’re ok” if you like to
    Go deeper on this subject. Cheers to your blog!

  • Rahul says:

    Nice one Manoj. Good beginning considering the fact that writing about psychological & philosophical topics is not easy at all!

  • Satyender Mohan says:

    Arey yaar tu toh Writer ban gaya :).
    Good to see you in this form
    Actually my only disagreement is on the age. I think if somebody is of category 2 he generally will remain in that category.

    • manoj says:

      Satyender, “generally” in your statement is same as “commonly” in my statement. I did not mean to hard line the age groups but may be I did not present it correctly. Thanks for your inputs ! Good to see old buddies connecting again !!

  • preeti shirke says:

    very good analysis Manoj!

  • Sandeep Banerjee says:

    Manoj, appreciate your observation and the deep thinking.

    in my view, its the lack of knowledge of the universal force which connects everyone and everything. Nothing can be sustained without co-existence and hence one should realize that every person in his life is equally important and must be respected for his position. its the false ego that disconnects a person from the very basic TRUTH and that leads to all the negativeness such as selfishness, etc..

    Cheers and once again, well thought buddy….

    • manoj says:

      thanks for your valuable inputs Sandeep. I have another draft in progress about something similar to what you are talking about. Hopefully will share soon.

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